I've talked before
about the oddball habits one picks up coming from a broken home and how
they can spank life's ass pretty hard (not in the fun way). What a lot
of people don't realize is that these aren't just annoying quirks that
we learn to navigate around. They are relationship time bombs, and when
they go off, they explode-fuck everyone who dares to be in our personal
sphere at that moment. It's hard for a "normal" person to understand
that when you come from this sort of environment ...
#5. Confrontation Is a Battle
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You Either Use What You've Learned ...
In most of the screwed-up relationships I've seen and been a part of,
the pivotal person in the circle jerk tends to be an extremely
dominating, hyper aggressive figure. For me, that was my dad. People who
have lived through it can tell you that any confrontation, no matter
how small, becomes an all-out war. Any objection on your part is taken
as a sign of rebellion by the ... we'll call them "douchebags." The
douchebag explodes over every little thing, and the people who don't
want to go through their douchestorms tend to give in to their every
whim.
Eventually, you learn that this is a normal means of leading a
family. The domination and
the outbursts become a sign of strength, and
when you grow up in that hell, you can see the direct result: They have
control. Later in life, when your own relationship flops out a big ol'
veiny conflict, you use what you've been taught: douche it right on up.
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"I'll shit directly on your soul, you human toilet!"
... Or You Do the Polar Opposite:
Some of us are lucky enough to learn that the douchebag's system
wasn't just wrong; it was abuse. We vividly remember the fear we felt
when they were Massengilling up the joint, so we vow to never do that to
other people. Unfortunately, many people who make that decision end up
going too far in the other direction, avoiding conflict at all costs.
The longer that goes on, the more it seems like we're walling off or
have become emotionally disconnected, and that's when the relationship
really begins to collapse. But worse, if we continue bottling up and
avoiding confrontation, it can eventually build until an emotional
mushroom cloud shoots out of our heads.
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"Dude, all I said is that fedoras are kind of stupid looking!"
We're not all that great with the middle ground, and you'll see that
theme throughout this article. It's not our fault, really. Broken homes
are set in extremes by definition. If the parents weren't violent and
abusive, they were neglectful or passive-aggressive. They were still
douchebags, just a different brand. Like Douche Bagmatic or something. I
don't know my douches. But the point is that it takes an entire
childhood of witnessing the middle ground in order to understand it and
utilize it, and we simply didn't have that.
#4. Anger Dictates Every Decision
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You Either Use What You've Learned ...
If confrontation is the gun used to force control, anger is the
ammunition. A kid learns very quickly that if he wields anger long
enough, eventually people give in to his demands. It doesn't matter if
they're doing it out of fear or just to shut your bitch ass up --
they're giving you what you want. Anger is the easiest form of
manipulation because it's very direct: "Get Hulk beer! No?! HULK SMASH!
Yeah, that what Hulk thought."
But like anything, it can become more complex with practice, which is
what happens when you carry this trait into later relationships. You
start using the
insinuation of anger: "Didn't I tell you to
take out the trash? Do you like pissing me off?" Or other people will
use yours as a tool for their own gain: "You'd better listen to me. You
don't want me telling your dad how you're acting when he gets home."
People get so used to it, yourself included, that it becomes second
nature to dip into that well, and before you know it, you've become a
weredouche, and every night is a full moon.
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"I'm going to work. When I get back, that gold statue of me had better be polished."
... Or You Do the Polar Opposite:
One of the big things I still have a problem with, even at 40 years
old, is shutting down when I'm around someone who's getting angry. I
still go into the same defense modes I used as a kid, either shying away
and giving in or using humor to deflect the incoming shit bombs. That's
a pretty good formula for turning into a well-used doormat in any
relationship (not to mention always getting picked last for backyard
sports because everyone thinks you're a huge pussy).
When you're on the receiving end of the anger, you don't just master how to avoid and deflect; you learn how to
provoke
anger in others for your personal benefit. Sometimes it's for
attention. Other times, it's to throw them off of their game in an
argument. Hell, it could even be used to make them look like a fucking
idiot in front of people if you're the cape-wearing evil villain type.
Which I totally am.
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Don't let the smile fool you. I'm a goddamn madman.
Everything you do is based on that reaction, though, like wondering
if what you're doing is going to send the other person into a rage, even
if you know for a fact that they're not that type of person. Or
wondering what buttons you can push to summon their punch tornado. It
takes a very long time spent around emotionally stable people to grow
out of that. But how many people are willing to put up with your
bullshit long enough to see that through? Don't take my word for it --
ask those who have come from broken homes. They'll tell you that the
answer is "not many." Those who have given up hope will tell you "none."
#3. Every Hurdle Is a Catastrophe
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You Either Use What You've Learned ...
Quick show of hands: How many of you who come from broken homes had a
parent who blamed everything that went wrong on someone else? Even
things that were obviously far out of human control? OK, put your hands
down because I can't see any of you, and I wrote that question long
before you ever read it.
A tornado could rip through your yard and wind-fuck your garage into
toothpicks, and one of your parents would say, "See? If you had built
that on the other side of the house like I first told you to, we'd still
have a place to park our cars!" Not "Is everyone OK?" Not coming up
with a plan to get this thing rebuilt. First and foremost, someone has
to be blamed, and they'll be goddamned if they let it go until someone
pays in humiliation and guilt. Becoming that person later in life is a
surefire way of leaving a breadcrumb trail of resentful exes behind you,
eventually leading you to burn a witch alive in an oven.
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"Now don't you come out until you're a pie."
... Or You Do the Polar Opposite:
You view every problem, no matter how minor, as a life-crushing blow
that must be dealt with immediately. It's your responsibility because
you caused it ... even if you didn't. "No, it's not your fault. I
provoked you into throwing the dog at me. I'll make things better -- I
can change." "The kids shoved LEGO blocks up each other's asses? I
shouldn't have bought them toys that would fit up there."
I think part of that is not wanting other people to feel that sting
of misplaced blame that you felt as a child. The other part is simply
never outgrowing your involuntary role as an emotional codpiece tester.
So you take on the responsibilities of the world, and when you fail to
solve them all -- and you
will fail, because that task is impossible -- all of that anxiety and fear come back to spin kick you in the mental balls.
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"Now I won't be able to make mind babies."
Humans weren't built to handle that kind of prolonged stress. If the
other person doesn't beat you to the punch, you can absolutely find
yourself getting overwhelmed, cutting your losses, and fleeing the
scene. I used to do that so much, you could set your watch to my
perpetual life cave-ins. It got so bad that people were wearing hard
hats around me, just in case.
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